What do I do? I feel so stuck. I know he says those mean things, but I know how much he was wounded growing up. Help!


I was recently asked that question by a good, sincere young woman, who found herself feeling stuck, intensely frustrated, discouraged, and fighting waves of depression over the back-and-forth, hot-and-cold, on-again/off-again behavior of her boyfriend, who would say very hurtful things her, then act like it was "water under the bridge" after he calmed down or had a few drinks.
My answer to her was:

A: That is something that confuses a lot of people, and therefore keeps them stuck. Simply put, we are not responsible for what we were given (or what was done to us), but we are responsible for what we do with it. So, it is tempting to buy the line that selfish people count on that says, "Hurt-people (wounded) hurt people."

While, yes, we all can be reactive at times, and even have a bad day. However, that is far different from a lifetime of acting that way toward others, stemming from cultivating and nursing a disposition that permits the emotional spewing of my hurtful words on those I deem to be a convenient target... then always excusing away my hurtful behavior toward others, and not requiring of myself a decreasing frequency of the crap that I dish out onto others. True, we are called to forgive one another's faults. However, it is important to remember that a fault is very different from an ill-intended disposition or an exaggerated sense of entitlement.

So, the real question for anyone to consider is, "Is it ever reasonable to act like a jerk, and not apologize for it, and to not dedicate myself to ensuring that the people around me do not have to tolerate that from me again?"

The standard for all of us in terms of how we interact with others is to do what is "right, just, and fair" (Prov. 1:3 & 2:9). None of us can do that perfectly, but that is still the standard... and, no excuses to cut ourselves some slack. When we fall short (as we inevitably will), we need to acknowledge it, confess it, make amends for it, and ensure we change, regardless of the emotional cost to us. In our relationships and homes, we must not make excuses for prolonged emotionally-irresponsible words, actions, and attitudes, and unchanging selfish behavior (whether from ourselves or from another person), as that would simply enable the person to continue to remain a jerk, permitting them to continue on with their hurtful behavior toward others, rescuing them from natural consequences, robbing them of an opportunity to grow, and treating them as less capable than they really are... which would neither be honoring the person, nor would it be protective of those being subjected to his/her emotionally oppressive behavior.

If love hopes all things, and believes all things (1 Corinthians 13:7), then it is not loving to believe that "you can't teach an old dog new tricks," which would be likening the person to aged canine. No, the most helpful, loving, respectful, honoring, and compassionate thing I can do for a consistently emotionally hurtful person is to treat them as a capable adult, view them as capable of personal growth (such as what any of us do when we make a New Year's resolution), and love them enough to "spur them on to love and good works" (Hebrews 10:24).

So, the best way to demonstrate your love to that emotionally hurtful person in your life (while demonstrating proper respect toward yourself) is to: (1) speak the truth in a loving (assertive, socially acceptable, controlled, respectful, reasonable yet firm) manner (Ephesians 4:15), (2) set clear boundaries on acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior, (3) encourage him to get help, and (4) seek out for yourself good, godly counsel that can help you maintain both your boundaries and your resolve. The "Crazy Making" cycle does not have to continue, and that is good news for the both of you.

Jon K. Uhler, MS, LPC is dedicated to helping good people see clarity when dealing with emotionally hurtful people (AKA narcissists and sociopaths).
Jon is available to schedule personal consulting sessions via: https://clarity.fm/jonuhler
You can follow Jon on Twitter: @JonKUhlerLPC
Jon also contributes his knowledge about Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths on Quora
Jon consults and holdings training on matters related to the risks posed to churches and other human service organizations by most sophisticated of Sexual Predators. He can be contacted via www.ChurchProtect.org. He welcomes you to visit Church Protect's Facebook page

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