"How do I get my mentally ill son out of my house?"

I recently responded to the question, posed no doubt by a very tired and discouraged parent, who simply had reached the end of her rope with her adult son who had a mental health diagnosis. This is such a difficult place for any parent to find themselves, as it reaches to the very core of a parent's heart. Good parents lovingly sacrifice for their child, all toward the end of being able to successfully launch a well-adjusted and emotionally healthy young adult into the world, where he/she can soar to new heights.

However, when things go terribly wrong, and the launching phase actually become a time where the relationship becomes strained, where frustrations and rifts can become serious walls and canyons, making communication nearly impossible, then regrets for things said and unsaid simply mount, one on top of the other, with the experience simply degenerating into one big source of pain and regret. So, in such a case, when a parent has reached the end of his or her rope, how does one help the adult child out of the house?

Though brief, here was my answer:

This is always a very difficult and sensitive issue, as this can evoke a host of feelings, and is not one that can easily be answered without a lot of context, However, for brevity sake, I will assume that your son is over the age of 18, therefore technically an adult.

When attempting to have an adult son find a different location, it is always best to have support, both for you and for your son. Ideally, if you have a support network or a church, they can become engaged in the process, so the transition can be a relatively smooth one for all concerned. With more people being brought into the loop, there can be wisdom in the multitude of counselors. And, you then have the reassurance that others can help, and they “have your back.”

If your son has shown signs of resistance or anger, that tends to change things, as he then can possibly pose as a threat or be outright dangerous. Or, of he shows signs of passivity, dependency, or passive-aggressive personality traits, then he may use his tendency toward helplessness as something by which he can manipulate you. Either way, the answer lies in setting clear boundaries, then implementing natural consequences once he has elected to violate those boundaries. And, taking medication as prescribed is one of the most basic boundaries/expectations. It is imperative for you to remind yourself and him that no one has the right to use intimidation or threats, so 911 must be a call you are willing to take if you feel that things might become dangerous.

If, by leaving your place, he is likely to be homeless, then I would contact your local county’s adult mental health agency, to start a dialogue with an intake social workers. Describe your dilemma, and see what suggestions he/she has for you. The system is there for such situations, but it may be that things needs to get worse for your son before they get better. If you anticipate that he will become stubborn, then you must ultimately be prepared to give him a deadline… then be willing to enforce it by whatever means necessary (except do not put your hands on him). If necessary, the police can evict him from your home. But, most people, when they realize their options are running out, become willing to work with others toward their own best interest.

If you have a church and/or extended family, I would try to enlist their assistance before implementing any plan or change in the situation. It will be a lot easier on your heart, if you know that others are there to support you and your son. And, look for the name of a recommended therapist for your son.

Most importantly, I would recommend trying to sit down with him when things are calm, and he seems receptive. Explain that your relationship with him is important to you, as is the safety, sanity, and overall well being for the two of you. Discuss what has brought things to this point, and try as best you can to let him know the multiple boundaries he has crossed and the impact that has had on both you and him. Then, let him know the changes that will be happening, and the research you have been doing, and what his options are at the present time.

A few written resource for you at this time would be Dr. James Dobson’s Parenting isn’t for Cowards & Love Must Be Tough. Also, Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written a series entitled Boundaries. Those would provide a good overview of the issues likely in play in terms of your son’s behavior. Also, the radio program Family Life Today has produced a number of good programs on this subject. This attached link will take you to a program that is one of many they have produced regarding walking through difficulties with adult children;
Walking Through Crisis With Your Adult Children

Though a lot more could be written, that will hopefully give you some immediate steps you can take to help him realize that it is time to transition out on his own.