Help! I have BPD, and I feel weak and afraid when I am not angry and aggressive.


A question was recently submitted, no doubt stemming from the ultimate dilemma faced by those with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. It has to do with how to risk changing the way one communicates, when your greatest fear is being hurt, taken advantage of, or abandoned by another person.

The question, and my reply were as follows:

Q:   I have BPD and find it easier to stand up for myself if I am feeling angry and aggressive. When I try to be assertive, I feel very weak and afraid. Does anyone else experience this as well?


A:   You described the challenge of trying to change from what feels normal and is familiar, to what is new, in terms of how you are trying to communicate.
I would say that if it feels like you are being weak, then you are very normal, as you are transitioning to an art, as opposed to a black-or-white, take-it-or-leave it type of approach. The good news is, with enough practice, you will get better.
A couple of suggestions:
  1. Make sure you are setting boundaries with selfish people in your life, so that you are not forcing yourself to have to try assertiveness with people who do not intend to allow you to establish boundaries. So, remember to first ensure that you are not allowing ill-intended people to thwart your efforts at being reasonable. Though you may find you have very few people left, in time you will be able to invest in healthier relationships, where respect is valued and appreciated.
  2. Do not assume that addressing issues with others is ever pain free. Even after years of practice, I do not relish the times when I need to have difficult discussions with another person (when boundaries are having to be implemented, and issues of emotional responsibility are clarified). However, the more you experience success (where selfish people are not able to cause you to “give in”), the less anxiety producing those times will be.
  3. Keep in mind that very few people are actually care enough to act in an emotionally responsible fashion, where respect is viewed as the highest priority. Not to say that one needs to become jaded, but that it is important to manage your expectations, to avoid getting upset when others do not act properly. Always remain hopeful that others will value relationships to the extent hat you do, but be mindful that those people are actually few and far between. But, regardless, lead by example.
  4. If it is necessary to have a repeated conversation with someone who is obnoxious, hurtful, or aggressive, try to ensure that each future conversation should focus on behavior and actions which are measurable and clearly self-evident. Remain focused on clarifying expectations, then establishing natural/logical consequences in the event another conversation needs to take place. Then, the follow-up conversation can focus on behavior and/or performance, as opposed to “getting personal” or assassinating another person’s character or self-worth. These are conversations which usually take place within families and the work place.
  5. Be prepared to let go of the relationship or the job, to ensure you act with respect. You cannot control another person, so if they elect not to change and/or to continue whatever type of behavior they have evidenced in the past that has been disrespectful, it likely means that the other person has elected to not care about the relationship as much as you had hoped, or as much as they should have given what they promised. However, if it becomes apparent that the other person does not intend to change, then it is better to part company sooner rather than later, or to allow distance in the relationship, until the person elects to change. It may be that it is simply the end of things, so allow it to be put to rest and move on.
There is more that can be suggested, but hopefully that provides you with some help in knowing that you are on the right track, as you attempt to learn the art of effective and responsible communication. And, be encouraged, as you are taking the most difficult step for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. As the root of BPD is actually fear of loss, be even being willing to take this step, it already means you are on your way to healing. 

Jon is available to schedule personal consulting sessions via: https://clarity.fm/jonuhler
You can follow Jon on Twitter: @JonKUhlerLPC


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